Ha, ha I crack myself up.  It’s the little things in life aye!

Well blogs are no exception so I’m giving up making excuses.  You’ll see me when you see me.  Afterall this is really for me not anybody reading it.  A way to get my thoughts out of my cluttered brain.

I have three New Years Resolutions which are going mediocrely (is that a word) well.  Kids, Health and Organisation (with an added sidebar of reduced expenditure which ain’t doing too well at all).

The kid part is suffering a little with my current focus on a challenge which fits fairly well under the organisation heading, I haven’t even started on the health bit although I did THINK about starting up my Weight Watchers diet again so that leaves the organisation part which hasn’t been put aside thanks to the challenge.

Over on the TNN (The Nappy Network) website to which I’ve finally, after 4 years of  being registered, been contributing more than just the occasional sale on the Trading Post (yeah I’ve made SEVERAL purchases instead LOL)… anyway I digress, over on the TNN website a lovely lady from the mainland has started up a challenge for herself to complete 20 craft items from her stash of materials prior to purchasing ANYTHING else.  She’s actually already achieved this and I’m put to shame however in my defense I have had a load of transcription through and have finally caught up on my clients accounts work (still have our two businesses to get done).  So anyway I decided to do my own form of the challenge calling it my…

…20 ITEM STASH BUSTER CHALLENGE.

Basically I started listing all the projects that needed completing and ideas that I’d like to start and I have to do 20 prior to buying anything new.  Yeah that kind of didn’t work out as I went made buying things off the TP – so much so that I’ve banned myself from it.  However that hasn’t stopped me sticking to the list so I’m trying to sort it that I get the first list of 20 and the second list of 20 (I actually have 117 items on my list so far and I’m fairly certain I’ve missed a few) completed by the end of February.  I was thinking that I’d do the first 20 by the end of January but as I’ve changed the rules to a time limit so late in the month I’m pretty sure I won’t achieve that – got to make it achievable.

All of the items are focused on using up fabrics and yarns that are already in my stash with minimal purchases.  I’ve made a few changes to the list along the way – I went to sell a Well Child Book Cover and got orders for five more so I decided to do a couple more for friends having babies this year at the same time.  I added it to the list as one project rather than 8 though and swapped out something else to the next 20.  I ended up having to buy card for that and at the price I sold them I didn’t end up making anything but I did get rid of some stashed fabric (the whole idea of the challenge), got some cute coloured snaps (I did a swap for three of the covers and I only have white snaps), and hopefully will make a few people happy.

I’ve also joined three swaps so far and these have joined my To Do List.  Two on the January/February one and one added today to the February one.  I’ve written a little further down about them.  Again I’m going to use these as a way to destash although I have to admit to buying bits and pieces to complete them.

I’m going to include the finished items here as a check that I’m doing what I aimed to do.  A lot of these things haven’t been done in a month (for example I have Logans Jacket, knitted last year, waiting to be sewn together so hardly done in one month).  It’s all about finishing what I’ve started in order to declutter and get organised.  As for the other NYR’s – I intend to write about those as I focus on them either here or in my own diary – some things are private.

Completed 12/01/10

*Zoes Mattress and Duvet Protector.   I’m not going to take photos of those, one is simply a waterproof backed blanket and the other is a waterproof case for her duvet, snapped at one end – not very exciting except that we are finally making night time nappies a thing of the past ) (NB the mattress protector failed miserably so I’m waiting on some flannel from a swap to make up a better one).

*Zoe’s Summerlin PJ’s in Blue (1 project) and Pink (1 project).  Made these with stash busting fabric and bought (blue) bamboo/cotton, stash busting (pink) chenille.  Have adjusted the straps and back button hugely so these will probably fit until she’s six!

 *Stitch Markers.  My second pair and I’ve made them too long really.  But they’re doable and I quite like them.

PHOTO TO COME.

Completed 15/1/10

*Colouring Book and Pencil Holder for Emma.  Zoe got invited to Emmas birthday party which was a very pleasant surprise as I’d never actually heard of anyone but her besties from daycare, Brooke in particular.  Initially I was going to buy a present, something I did with our neighbours daughter for her pre Christmas birthday after toiling away for hours on knitted Barbie clothes that I never finished.  But then when this Challenge came into effect I just knew I could get something out in time.  And I did.  And I’m very impressed with it if I do say so myself.  I’ll do a few more of them without the initial embellishments (which I’ll add later) for her other friends at Daycare.  Just a few modifications like an extra pocket on the pencil side and I might turn the pencils around so I can fit more (bought 24 pencils for $2 from the $2 shop – it only fits 10 – kind of a bargain I guess but I’m left with all the unusual colours rather than a nice set – not that Zoe won’t appreciate additional drawing tools)

Completed between 15/1/10 and 19/2/10

My stash busting kinda went south for a while but I’m trying to get back on top of it now…

*Wipes.  I’ve made both bottom wipes for Logan and face wipes for both kids after going through an 80 pack of purchased wipes in a week.  Logan (and Zoe I have to say) loves to pull out the wipes and blow his nose on them - constantly (the kid must have the cleanest nose around).  I already have two runs of wipes that I made for Zoe and the first set is looking decidedly past their use by date.  I’ve been selecting the odd one to clean the toilet with and consequently throwing it away afterwards.  On Wednesday I decided to get past my “but I want to use it for” state of mind and just use the flannel I had to make up some wipes.  So they are very girly but I don’t think Logan is going to mind – afteral they’re to clean his bum!  So I used up two pieces of stashed flannel, one piece of stashed velveteen left over from my saddle blanket making days, and most of a left over piece of velour which I used on the previous batch of wipes.  My first two batches were small wipes but I’ve made these bigger than face cloths – particularly the face one.  They’re very cute but not on my stash buster list.  I’ll have to alter that.  (But as I can’t find the list on the pc I’m just meandering through the WIP bins LOL).  BTW my overlocker decided it didn’t want to cut so I had to cut these with scissors at each adjustment (stretchy velour) – but at least they are done.

* I LOVE YOU swap – see the detail below.  I posted it four days late but it got done!!

SWAPS

I’ve always wanted to do these.  I’ve watched as people show their pincushions, aprons, wool packages etc and just loved the feeling of friendship that comes from them.  So when a TNNer put up an “I LOVE YOU” swap in December with a sending date at the beginning of February I KNEW it was something I could do (Deadlines are not my strong point).  The gist of this swap was to send in three words of any sort. Then three words are drawn out of a hat and given to you along with the recipients details and you decide what to do.  My mind raced with my words – Kissable, Delicious, and Like (well the first two work well).  But then after deciding where I was going I took a look at what my recipient does craft wise and OMG she is so, so good.  Her crafts are wonderful.  So I’m a little apprehensive.  No I’m a lot apprehensive.  As she’s not going to see this for a while I’ll say a bit more about it (nobody has this address yet so it’s just me seeing it).  She’s also the swap organiser so she’s going to KNOW who sent her this LOL!!!  Although it’s really funny because it turns out she’s entered it twice and a friend of mine is her other swapee!!! (Actually I think she entered it several times!)

I LOVE YOU SWAP: I’ve made “Kissable” stitch markers in her favourite red, white and black.  Two letters to each marker in the set of four.  I’m actually going to have to adjust them because I’ve left the loops too big but that’s not a big deal.  I’m making a “Delicious” knitting bag in berry stitch lined with a cute black and white patterned cotton (I’m a bit worried about the wool colour and texture though – it’s a scratchy wool and brown but she likes earthy colours!).  In the same cotton I’ve designed (but not completed yet) a Knitting needle case for her Knit Picks (an education for me there – I didn’t even know what these were until I googled them – now I WANT some!!!), Choc/Vanilla flavoured lip balm – homemade and a stitch marker case in the same cotton – which may or may not make it into the package. (It did)  I also wanted to do some scrapbooking pages using all three words but I’m not sure that will happen now (they didn’t).  Time constraints and the printer hasn’t been set up yet.  I’m actually getting a bit stressed because although Track and Trace says she got it a week ago she hasn’t posted about it yet.

The second swap I’ve joined is a bag swap.  I don’t have the details yet but it isn’t due until the end of March (I think – will have to confirm that).  Same organiser too – she’s a keen one.

DISCHCLOTH SWAP: The third swap I joined today is a dishcloth swap.  I started making one a couple of weeks back – have used the pattern before and am using up the rest of the bamboo from Zoe’s Summerlin so another stash buster.  I just swapped it on my list from present to swap.  Depending upon what I get back I may use the one I received in my Christmas presents this year.

I made the orange dishcloth first.  It has the words “YARN HO” knitted into it which I hope will be taken with the humour intended.  However it’s almost unreadable which was disappointing so I’ve included the pattern to show it.  So, feeling a bit annoyed at how it turned out I knitted the black and orange one as a way to make up for the first.  I had to unravel it and double the black because it was too flimsy but considering I had to unravel the orange one several times I did this one amazingly quickly.  The two little balls are pot scrubbers, crocheted from tulle in orange and black and I crocheted a plarn and ribbon bag to put them all in.  I was very satisfied to send it off a day early.  Hope she likes it.

Grocery shopping is different – especially under the circumstances.  I love a challenge and trying to find the cheapest way to fill our tummy’s has become a challenging project.

I’ve been watching this thread for a week or so now, reading posts in my coffee breaks.  I’ve been loving it and am about to start reading it again.  The tips and hints are wonderful and what some people can do with nothing is so awesome it really gets me excited about my own budgeting project.

My first step into reducing what we spend would have to be the Garden.  Having rebuilt and filled it we now have some really nice greenery flourishing in it.  I dedicate five or ten minutes a day to keeping it that way – water, weed, fertilise.  There’s heaps more to do on it – potted herbs, the garden extension, planting the seeds I’ve started when they get big enough etcetera etcetera.  And to expand the “Garden” to “Produce”  I’ve yet to sort out our chickens. But like I said in the previous post I have to focus on the little things so that SOMETHING gets done.

Sorting out the shopping is the second step.

I LOVE online grocery shopping.  I first started doing it when I got free delivery back when I1 was born.  It takes a little bit to set it up so that it’s quick and easy – maybe two or three shops, and it best suits someone who doesn’t want to browse down the shopping aisles.  I’ve set up my monthly list and go through it taking out what I don’t need each month.  Then I browse for the extra things I do need that aren’t on the list.  And finally I browse quickly through the specials to see if there is anything cheaper or anything that takes my fancy.  I think it’s a good setup but not necessarily the cheapest option.  Last month I spent $400 which might sound good but they won’t deliver cold goods rurally which means I had to buy cheese, butter etc.  Then I buy veges and meat separately, and eggs and milk fortnightly/weekly.  So my guess is that’s still about $200 per week.  (I’m not worried about delivery charges – living rurally meant I was probably spending the delivery fee in petrol anyway – not to mention time which is a very precious commodity)

After reading the EBB thread I started thinking about how I could get that down.  One of the websites mentioned on the thread is Sweetz R Us.  At the moment it’s got Muesli which I’d like to get along with some other bits and pieces but it’s mostly lollies.  I’m more interested in those for Christmas so I won’t be worrying too much if I when I’m ready to order everything has changed.

Gilmours is a much better idea although I’ve yet to see the prices.  I’ve filled out the application form and will send that off asap.  If that works out cheaper than Foodtown/Woolworths I’ll be thrilled.  You can also get Fly Buys which is a bonus for me.  The Foodtown card is all well and good but it would be nice to redeem buyer points for something we could use or give as a present.  And they deliver when you get a charge account - having a business is a great thing.

Another one I’m going to check out is a great frozen goods store (will post the link when I find it again) mentioned in the EBB thread.  I’ll have to combine it with a trip to other stores nearby to make it an outing for special occasions though.

And of course Lynn Webster is another inspirational website to check out.  I’m going to invest in her recipes but will have to squirrel some away over time before I pay up.

So after prattling away here my path of Grocery Buying Enlightenment is this:

1. Join Gilmours.
2. Plan my monthly menu and work out all the ingredients necessary (advice would be to cut this down to fortnightly but time constraints keeps me comfortable at monthly)
3. Cross reference ingredients needed with those I already have in stock.
4. Check out Gilmours prices for these items and decide whether buying an item in bulk (meaning we’d have too much this month) would be beneficial for next month (ie can it be used next month and not be left sitting in the cupboard until next winter!!) – Order.
5. Adjust our Foodtown Online shopping list removing all unecessary items (like the many cans of soup which I buy each time “in case of emergencies” and end up never using – actually that’s a good idea – I should put the extra ones in our Disaster Kit). – Order.
6. Make a list of both orders and highlight items that could be sourced elsewhere ie canned pumpkin soup could be replaced with homemade pumpkin soup fresh or frozen.

The old analogy “light at the end of the tunnel” springs to mind because right now mine really is a train coming at me at a hundred miles an hour.  I think the thing is I’m trying to do too much at once.  The other day I worked my arse off (well actually that would be a welcome achievement if it were not just a figure of speech) and achieved NOTHING.

Okay so I cut into several “projects” (we’re talking washing, cleaning the kitchen here – not ACTUAL projects) but at the end of the day no SINGLE project was completed and by the end of the next day all my good work was undone (how dare everybody add more dirty clothes to my washing pile).  After a week or two of this sort of thing you can get pretty down, especially when there are things you itch to get done.  I’m finding that if I IGNORE what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing and work on what I WANT to do – everything else goes to Heck (are we allowed to curse on WordPress?) and I end up with more stress than I started out with.

I think I know the solution.  It’s probably plain as punch but it’s something that has always eluded me – ORGANISATION.  I have been told ever since I1 was an infant that children crave routine.  I think it’s probably good for adults too but we feel we need to spice our lives up a little more – this is great but I don’t think it does too much for our productivity.  I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps my life’s daily dose of Kaitaia Fire Chilly Sauce is the big thing that’s stopping us from getting ahead faster.  I know for a fact that DH has an organisation problem.  We both do.  I’ve been trying to change things – get a little more organised and leave the complete chaos for Holidays (what are those again) and time out (don’t know that one either – but hopefully I will once I get organised).  I know the kids do better when we have organisation.

Anyway yesterday I was working again (the work hasn’t stopped flowing in yet which is good because DH is starting to get comfortable keeping the couch moulded into the shape of a supine human body) and I suddenly realised that we AREN’T in a good financial position.  Our bank account is dwindling and the only outstanding payments we’re waiting on are due to DH not having invoiced them yet.  In fact one in particular is for work done over a year ago and I have difficulty believing that it will be paid this far out.  With DH choosing to go fishing over finishing off a weekend job, and the fact that he doesn’t appear to be doing anything about potential clients other than wallowing in his own misery that there aren’t any I suddenly realised that the little I bring in is all we have to live on.

(Just an aside and a whole other story but I have my suspicsions that his lack of motivation in the work department combined with his inability to help me out in the housekeeping area is actually a ploy to get ME to go back to paid employment full time so that he feels justified in lazing at home with the kids. This is an area I should not go into because it makes me livid that he seems to think my looking after the kids, him, the house and working 40 hours a week is easier than his very phyiscal job which he mostly does for 6 hours a day ending up having beers with mates or going fishing whenever he feels like it.  I’ve tried to tell him that working 6am to 11pm or 12 midnight in one role or another – and that mixing those roles up ie 10 minutes here, an hour here, 5 minutes here, 20 minutes here isn’t all it’s cracked up to be but he sticks his head in the sand and refuses to see things from my point of view.  Of course if he took OVER my role and I DID go out to work he would only look after the kids when I wasn’t there, would cook dinner, might wash clothes and tidy the house but I’d be the one working the 6pm to 7am kid shift AND the one moving the kids toys and chairs to vacuum underneath the coffee table.  Perhaps I’ll mention to him next time he goes on about wanting to be the stay at home dad that h’s had ample opportunity over the past month to do it because I HAVE been working 40 hours.  I’ll get back to you on that one.)

So my little foray into reality suddenly triggered my worry centre.  It’s pretty easy to do – when you live a cluttered life there is ALWAYS something to worry about – right now it’s getting the GST in on time when I haven’t kept the accounts up to date – that happens FREQUENTLY.  So I’m getting real.  I think I said that in my last post but even then I had the luxury of time.  Now I don’t.  I started to brainstorm yesterday and then this morning I realised that the problem with brainstorming is that it brings up a myriad of things to do and things to expand on but you don’t actually get anything done.  I know my focuses.  My focus are to save money, maintain income and make more money.  The first two are the most important.  Obviously I’m limited with what I can do about DH’s income.  I can put the advertising plans in place – that’s part of my job for his company but he has to do the rest and that’s out of my control.  But if I get organised I can ensure that we maintain my income at the moment.  Getting organised will also help me allocate time and resources towards saving money.  I have to do it a little at a time.  Rather than focusing on the big picture I have to pick one thing at a time to tackle.  This week it’s grocery shopping.

Watch this space.

However I am finally very focused on cleaning up my life – moreso than I’ve ever been. That’s not to say it’s going to happen overnight – you don’t clean up 40 years of clutter without an enormous great dumper lorry and four people to hold me down while it’s all taken away!!!  Nah, that’s not gonna happen.  What is happening is that I’m being more and more realistic with every room clean up I do.  Selling my junk on an auction has stepped up a notch too.  When I realised people weren’t interested in buying things even at a fraction of their value (and I WAS realistic from the get go) I decided to let it all go using $1 reserve auctions.  Yeah so some things I did only get $1 less the site fee but it does all add up in the end.  Some things I got more than I hoped for.  I’ve also done some bulk lots at $1 reserve when I should really just donate it.  Hey I buy enough from op shops to contribute my share to the needy.

So bearing all this in mind my craft has taken a turn.  I am the QUEEN of the TRAP “The Repository of Abandoned Projects”.  Except until now none of them has been abandoned – they have just been put on ice for a while!  I get bored easily – especially when there’s another project I’m just itching to do.  That’s another thing too – rather than go out and buy the materials for the next item before I’ve finished the one I’m doing – I bought an exercise book instead.  Now I write, draw and design my next project in the exercise book and finish the one I’m doing.  It works a treat because when I look at the exercise book I actually cross out most of them as things that aren’t gonna happen which means I now don’t end up with even more stash contributions and nothing to do with them!!

I recently rediscovered knitting.  I wasn’t a huge fan but I thought I’d knit I2 some woolen longies to wear over his nappy on cold winter nights.  (He was in MCN (thats Modern Cloth Nappies) at night and I thought it would be a good idea to avoid any leaks – I’ve since given up and put him in disposables at night.)  He had an abundance of PJ tops with no bottoms so I thought this would serve two purposes.  I’ve also always been keen on learning crochet so I amalgamated my wool collection to pick out something I could use for that.  I cannot beleive how much wool I have considering I’m not a knitter – I have a plastic bin filled with the stuff.  Of course then I offered to do swaps for kids clothes on a website and ended up with even MORE wool so now the lid will barely fit on the bin!!  I have stopped myself from purchasing more though (other than to complete projects).  But then I got stuck on the longies.  I know how to fix it but it would require concentration and I haven’t found the right time to focus – another TRAP project – no, I will get back to it before next winter – they were too big for this one anyway )

But then a couple of weeks ago I needed to be creative.  I do have a sewing project I’m in the midst of but with the mess this place is in right now I just couldn’t stomach getting the sewing machine set up and then having to move it off the coffee table when DH moved from the bedroom to the couch.  And I2 is displaying a concerning interest with moving parts of machinery!  I decided that knitting would be a good way of fulfilling my creative needs without being too intrusive on the clutter.  For once I was completely right.  I’m loving it.  I found a free pattern online that will really suit I2,  would use the wool I had received in a swap and would actually be practical next winter.  It’s a lovely hooded jacket.  Plus the pattern turns out to be a begginer pattern so it’s easy as.  It did have a contrast so I had to buy some more black wool but I got that really cheaply at the $2 shop.  The back knitted up quickly with just a brief insult from visiting FIL – “He won’t wear that!” (meaning his son)  “Well it’s a good thing it’s for I2 then isn’t it”.  I just roll my eyes.  He’s not really meaning to be rude he just says what he’s thinking.  The front has the contrast stripes on it and I got through two thinking that the contrast, which appeared to be a thicker 8 ply than the main 8 ply, knitted up much nicer than the main wool.  The main seemed to be quite flimsy and I had hoped it would be nice and thick.  The sleeves were also supposed to be in the contrast and I started to wonder if they would pull the jacket the wrong way being heavier and thicker than the body.  I thought about it a bit and realised that although the pattern called for 5 balls of the main and I had 6, so far it hadn’t finished the first ball. 

So yesterday I pushed the incomplete front onto another needle and worked a swatch using two strands instead of one – absolutely wonderful!  And it’s going to work so well because even if it does use more wool than it was using with one strand (ie a more than double) the way I was going I am pretty sure I would still not use all six balls.  The contrast sleeves are going to be a little lighter but that works better than heavier anyway.

We’re going away for a couple of days and all I’m going to take is my knitting – I’m really enjoying doing rows in between working and I think I can just sit there and relax and knit – should be fun ). 

I already have other projects lined up but I’m resisting the temptation to start them.  I know this one will knit up fast so I’m happy to get it done before moving on )  Will keep you up to date.

Other News:

I2 is finally walking.  He started on September 19 after months of proving he had the necessary skills – laziness!  But he still preferred crawling.  It was a 97% crawl, 3% walk couple of weeks and we were not holding out.  Then last week he just decided it was more fun to walk.  Now he toddles, turns, toddles again, throws himself on you and laughs at every opportunity. Crawling is still his favourite mode of movement if he want’s to get somewhere fast but walking has become cool!

I1 is learning who’s boss and that it isn’t her.  It’s a slow process but she’s eager to earn brownie points and get rewards so the improvements are noticable.

DH has done a few job quotes but has been working on his car most of the time.

I’ve been the sole breadwinner the past couple of weeks.  With my job it’s a case of do the work when there is some and do as much of it as possible.  It’s been hard on the kids – especially I2 as she’s been lacking a lot of attention but the work will drop off very soon and things will get back to normal.  I think I’ve actually earned a full time wage over the last couple of weeks.

I1 is a handful – very independant and wanting to do everything herself but also wanting to do everything that bigger kids  all the way up to grown ups do.  She frequently “disciplines” I2 – physically moves him away from what “she” deems to be unacceptable situations (even if I have just put him in those situatons – we’re not talking dangerous here), yells at him if he’s not following “her rules” and is more than likely to yell at me when she gets angry about something – I swear she’s 16 not 3 and a half – I’m too scared to think about what she’ll be like when she actually gets to 16!

I2 is also a handful and demanding.  He demands that his subjects carry him about, entertain him and cater to his every whim.  If he’s been bawling and I pick him up he will be happy.  Until I sit down with him – he didn’t want to sit down, he wanted me to carry him around to everything he points at!  He does NOT like to play alone, he likes to be in the midst of the action directing the peasants.  I don’t think he’s quite worked out that one of the peasants is more likely to clip him round the ear than follow his orders – I can see future arguements when he learns to talk.  That’s another thing – theory is that babies focus on either fine or gross motor skills so if they walk early then chances are their speech will develop later and vice versa.  It has seemed to work that way in a few kids I know including I1.  I2 appears to be the exception to the rule because he’s doing neither up to now EXCEPT I know he’s been fully capable of walking for ages.  At six months he was showing all the signs of walking early (not walking at six months but development wise he was far ahead in that department than I1 and she walked at 11 months).  But 9, 10, 11, 12 months came and he’d got as far as crawling and stuck at that.  At exactly 13 months he got excited by I1 and friend running around and squealing and wouldn’t you know it – he got up and walked.  Now in my experience most kids would then take off walking and never crawl again – not I2.  No, no, no, no – he might do it for entertainment (his own of course – “look at those silly grown ups making funny faces and giggling – aren’t they so cute.  Heh heh watch me as I sit down and refuse to walk to them – that’ll teach ‘em”). 

So he crawls or he sits in the middle of the floor with his arms in the air screaming to be picked up and carried to his destination (even if his destination is the water cup on the coffee table a metre away from him!).

I mentioned it to his childcare teacher yesterday – “boys” was her reply.  The conversation continued and a parent caught the tail end of it “boys” she offered.  It seems I2 suffers from a case of ‘boy’!

Oh and talking – he is stuck on saying “ta” – a word I was determined I1 wouldn’t say as I was in favour of the full “thank you” but have caved for the sake of hearing I2 speak.  Ta it is – and it is frequent!

I figured out that the clothespeg aprons would have to wait for another day – best to concentrate on completing one set of aprons before getting involved in others however I wanted to cut all at once, sew all at once and finish all at once so I went about cutting out two for I1 and two for myself.

I managed relatively well with the cutting on Friday night as the Significant Other went out with his buddies leaving me, after the imps were in bed, with floor space and nobody whingeing about interrupting his television viewing!

Saturday morning I hit a snag – no interfacing.  No matter how hard I searched I could NOT find any and I just KNOW I have some in the evergrowing stash.  Short of making a rush trip down to the nearest fabric shop – some 30 minutes drive away I decided that I should complete cutting the fabric and put it aside until at least I1 was in Preschool and I had another reason to be in the area.

So here I was, all in the creating mood, with nothing to create.  Well that’s not quite true – I have masses of unfinished projects and I mean masses.  Not to mention fabrics and materials purchased for specific unstarted projects just waiting for attention.  So I jossled around a bit and came up with these…

I spotted the serviettes in a craft shop and loved them having previously had no intentions of making any serviette canvases (although I do like them).  I’m more a practical crafter rather than a purely decorative so these were a diversion from what I’d normally do.  I’m quite pleased with my first effort.  Not sure that I’ll do more as there are other purely decorative items I’d like to give a go at some stage and I don’t really want to fill the house with serviette canvases!  But it was fun.  This weekend it’s time to finish the aprons having purchased some more interfacing.

Not a mirror of glass but the face of my daughter.  I’ve often been told how like my mother I am.  She left us when I was barely eight years old and I’ve always been proud that I am so very much like her – in looks and in personality.  But I’ve also been proud that my mothers quick temper has been mellowed by my dad’s easy going nature.  Now I’m wondering why I was ever proud of being SO much like Mum personality wise because I suddenly realised today how much like me my little Imp 1 is and my heart is breaking.

With the whole “first boyfriend” situation drawing to a close I was pleasantly surprised to turn up to childcare today and find I1 playing happily with her best friend B, just as B’s daddy turned up to pick her up.  Then the drama really started.  I1 would not let go of B’s hand and starting screaming that she wanted to go with her.  B couldn’t care less and actually got annoyed that I1 wouldn’t let go.  Once separated the screams went on for another ten minutes and then the dispairing sobbing from the back seat of the car continued all the way home.

With a throbbing headache – a legacy from not drinking enough (water) rather than drinking too much (alcohol) – which had been plaguing me all day I’m rather surprised that I didn’t lose the plot myself.  Instead I started thinking things through. 

Usually I’d be frustrated that I1 could not just get over it but I recognised something in her need for a bond with B and her theatrical performance that I just couldn’t get over.  It reminded me of ME. 

When I was about eleven a close friends dog killed some sheep and was waiting to be put to sleep as punishment for the crime.  The act I put on was supposed to be sympathy but I think I outdid my friend in my show of sorrow.  It was more like self pity than empathy.  Such was the need to show how much I liked my friend that I ended up going WAY overboard. 

Okay I1 isn’t yet four and I was a good seven years older but I suddenly started remembering how much I craved family type affection.  I’d always thought it was because Mum wasn’t around but after seeing this similar behaviour in I1 today maybe it didn’t have anything to do with her absense.  When I think back to what else it could have been I only remember specifically one occasion when Mum gave me close attention – I’d stubbed my toe when I was about five or six.  I once asked Dad why Mum didn’t seem to be that close to me in any of the photos we had – no hugging etc really and he assured me that she really did love me.  I believe him but perhaps my memories of her are so much about being the disciplinary figure that I don’t remember how much she did love me. 

And THAT is what I realised driving home with my three and a half year old screaming in the back.

“Do you want a cuddle?” I asked her and got an affirmative response.  So I pulled over, got out and gave her a huge cuddle.  The tears still came, the wailing for B still continued but a cuddle doesn’t cure, it simply comforts.  And perhaps she’ll remember and learn that when she needs comfort I’ll be there for her.  Always.

And perhaps I’ll remember in the future when a Best Friend or Boyfriend upsets her, when she fails a maths exam, gets told she can’t go somewhere or do something and she’s sobbing her heart out, that while I can’t (or won’t) fix the problem, I can help make the symptoms easier to bear.  And my reward?  A strong bond with my wonderful daughter.

I am SO OVER hearing about him though.  it’s J this and J that.  “Can J come in our car?”  “Can J come over to my house?”  “J’s coming to my birthday!”   And “J’s my boyfriend” (I hadn’t counted on that initial tease from her Daddy’s worker as being a source of pride rather than an embarrassment).

So imagine how confused I was over my feelings this morning when I was told that J is leaving Childcare next week to go to school.  I knew it was going to happen.  I’ve met the cute little thing and I knew he was almost five – the older man!!  But in spite of all of my anxt and maternal worries about the “relationship” I am genuinely sad for wee I1 – she’s going to be crushed.  I tried to let her down easy today by telling her that tomorrow will be the last time she will see J.  “No, he’s coming to my birthday”.  Oh dear!

Oh well I can only be there to comfort her when she discovers the love of her life has moved on.  No doubt it won’t be the last.  I really hope that she’ll be able to come to me with all of her let downs in life.  No doubt she will not even remember him as her first.  But I will.

Buoyed spirits ahead though.  Her best friend is moving up from her old childcare class in a few weeks and although they would have been apart six weeks class wise (they still play together in the playground) I’m sure it won’t be long before I begin to hear again “Can B come in our car?” “Can B come over to my house?” “B’s coming to my birthday!”  Well I should think so, she and B engaged to be married months ago until J came on the scene!!!

WHAT A STUPID IDEA.

First and foremost I already have three blogs (and to be honest I may even have another out there I’ve pushed to the back of my memory banks because I’m too embarrassed to admit I didn’t write a single entry in it – hopefully after the four or five years it’s been dormant the Blog Police will have deleted it for wasting space).  I’d have to be insane to take on yet another project which would never get through the starting gates let alone be kept up to date, only to feel guilty about it.

Guilt is a hobby of mine.  I’m very good at it and am considering turning pro in the not too distant future. Right now I am feeling guilty about at least ten things – if I attend to one of them it will drop of the list to be replaced with something else on my back up guilt trip list.  At least I’m organised in that.  I figure I can only be guilty about ten things at a time or I’ll go crazy so I’ve learned this technique where I completely ignore the other stuff until either something drops off the top ten list OR I get some kind of reminder regarding something on the backup list.  At this point I usually cluck like a chicken, tear my hair out, wander around in a daze wondering wat to do and then forget something else on the top ten list replacing it with the item from the backup list.  Yes it would be easier to address the problem at hand when it arose but hey that would be smart.  I’m just not that smart!  Besides I LIKE feeling guilty.  I must do right?  I mean how could I get so good at something I despised.  Oh and I learned the technique from watching documentaries on ostriches.

But I Digress - just watch this space, Digression is yet another hobby of mine – I’m not so proficient at is as I am at Guilt but I’m practicing!

I spent the next few days after having my “Brilliant Idea” thinking about what I wanted to do and not doing anything about it (Number five, six or seven on my guilt list – definitely not a static list is it).  Yesterday I decided – wisely (amazing) that I would NOT start a parenting advice blog, I would not start a journal type blog (yeah it had progressed to two blogs by that stage) and instead I would use the lovely notebook I bought the other day to WRITE a nice journal.  My reasons – no more wasted blog space, no more guilt tripping about not using said blog space, no more stressing about who will read anything I’ve written and will they be able to figure out who I am and who I’m talking (read gossiping/bitching/whingeing) about.

So here I am – starting a blog, not using the notebook, stressing about who will read figure out who I am and who I’m talking (read gossiping/bitching/whingeing) about.  BUT at least I’m using my existing blog and not cluttering up internet space yet again!  Besides, I’ve been on here since June and nobody has read this yet.  Possibly because I haven’t shared it!!!

Got going on the de-clutter scheme only to move on – can’t be too sure if this applies but no doubt it was because I found something else MORE important – check point two.

Something better on offer – check point three.

THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT!

But enough self-flagellation over things that are done and cannot be undone.  Time to move on.  Welcome to the New and Improved Cluttered Life Blog.

Why is it new?  Well it’s not really – I could have started yet ANOTHER blog but let’s face it this one really sums up my life and will continue to do so forever even if I really, really try.  Clutter will always have a small place in my life even if I manage to get it under control.  And perhaps choosing NOT to start another blog and abandon this one will add to my success stories concerning de-cluttering. “Lie to me, I promise I’ll believe”.  Hey I didn’t write it I just sing along with it.  Go Sheryl!

Why improved? I PROMISE to write every day CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO…okay let’s get serious here – that ain’t gonna happen kiddies.  I am just NOT that dedicated, organised or time-rich.  But I do LOVE writing.  I love language and at the moment I kind of need a release and this could be it.  I’ll take it one step at a time.